


It's Called A Cruel Irony

by PepperF



Series: Diego whump [18]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack-ish, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Gen, Poisoning, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27084535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF
Summary: Five has rarely seen Diego openly panicking. He's highly emotional, of course—one might say 'volatile' without fear of exaggeration—but he's far more comfortable displaying those emotions as anger, rather than anything more vulnerable. The one exception is his irrational fear of needles, of course. Five has been quietly brainstorming ways to address that (hypnosis? exposure therapy?), before every bad guy they meet has an unfair advantage over his idiot brother.However, it appears that cat is already well and truly out of the bag and clawing its way up the curtains, judging by the way Doctor Nacelle—Nobel Prize-winning physicist, pro wrestler, and probably the smartest woman to ever try to blow up the island of Manhattan—is looking smugly between the giant syringe and Diego.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves
Series: Diego whump [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951318
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	It's Called A Cruel Irony

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Bethany, who easily spotted the Yzma-and-Kronk vibes I was channelling here. :)

Five has rarely seen Diego openly panicking. He's highly emotional, of course—one might say 'volatile' without fear of exaggeration—but he's far more comfortable displaying those emotions as anger, rather than anything more vulnerable. He's performatively macho and unreasonably competitive, thanks to the lessons instilled in him by their father, and also stubborn as a rock, so even if he is feeling sad or afraid, he refuses to show it. 

The one exception is his irrational fear of needles, of course. Five has been quietly brainstorming ways to address that (hypnosis? exposure therapy?), before every bad guy they meet has an unfair advantage over his idiot brother.

However, it appears that cat is already well and truly out of the bag and clawing its way up the curtains, judging by the way Doctor Nacelle—Nobel Prize-winning physicist, pro wrestler, and probably the smartest woman to ever try to blow up the island of Manhattan—is looking smugly between the giant syringe and Diego.

"Doctor Nacelle," tries Five, in his politest schoolboy tones.

"Please, call me Hellen," she says, advancing on Diego. "We're all friends here."

"No, no, please...please don't..."

"Hellen. Wouldn't you prefer to let my braincell-deficient brother go, and we can discuss this like adults?"

Doctor Nacelle taps her lip thoughtfully. "No," she says, finally. "No, I don't think so. Barnabas, hold Mr. Hargreeves steady. The big one, Barnabas," she adds impatiently, as Barnabas looks between the two of them in confusion.

"Yes, Doctor."

"Now, Mr. Hargreeves, I believe you know the location of my missing engi—oh, that's disappointing." She puts her hands on her hips, pouting down at the unconscious Diego. "Barnabas, wake him up!"

It takes three tries before Diego stays awake long enough for her to even get close to him with the needle. His eyes are wide and terrified, focused solely on the point as it passes back and forth in front of his face. "Please...please don't do this..."

"My engineer, Mr. Hargreeves. You are the only one who knows his location, and if you don't tell me in the next few seconds, I will be forced to inject you with this slow-acting poison, and then you'll have to tell me to get the antidote. Are we clear?"

Diego doesn't answer, too caught up in the sway of the needle. It comes closer, and he goes cross-eyed, like a dog, when it taps him on the nose.

"I said, are we clear?"

He still doesn't answer, and Five is pretty sure it's because he's now completely frozen in fear, but Doctor Nacelle huffs impatiently. 

"I see you've decided to be stubborn. Very well."

"No!" yells Five, as she puts the needle to Diego's neck.

"I'm gonna—" says Diego, and pukes. 

All over Doctor Nacelle's nice white lab coat.

\---

A change of clothes and one angry physicist later, and Five is almost starting to enjoy this. Almost.

"Right," grits Doctor Nacelle. "Barnabas! Inject him!"

"Okay," says Barnabas, placidly. "Where?"

"It doesn't matter where, it's poison, it'll—in the arm, idiot!"

Diego groans when the needle comes close, but apparently he's out of ammunition. "Leave him alone!" yells Five, who has been reduced to sadly juvenile raging.

But, despite Five's impotent threats and imprecations, the needle presses into Diego's arm, to the accompaniment of his low moans. "No, stop, please...take it out, please please please..."

"Okay, boss. All done," says Barnabas, withdrawing the needle at last.

"Right," says Doctor Nacelle, sounding a little relieved. She picks up a different needle from the bench behind her, and stalks towards Diego, brandishing it. "That feeling burning through your veins is a poison of my own invention. It's very rare, slow, painful, and one hundred percent deadly—without this antidote." She holds up the second needle. "If you want it, you're going to have to talk. Where's my engineer?"

"I don't...I don't..." Diego shakes his head, sweating badly now. Five is officially worried: she might say it's slow-acting, but Diego is clearly already feeling the effects, and god only knows what damage it's doing. 

Doctor Nacelle steps forward impatiently. "Do you want the antidote or not?" she snaps, and holds up the syringe in front of his face.

Diego's eyes focus on it, and go wide. He pales further.

"No! No, no, no, no, _no!_ "

He tries to dig his way backwards through the chair using only his shoulder blades. Doctor Nacelle puts her hand over her eyes, and sighs.

" _Fuck_ ," she says, feelingly.

\---

"Well done, Diego," says Five, supporting as much as he can of his brother's heavy weight as they stumble away from the burning laboratory. "You displayed quite the novel tactic in resisting interrogation, giving me time to formulate my escape plan."

"Yeah?" says Diego, blurrily. He's still feeling the after-effects of both the poison and the antidote, making him almost pleasant company—aside from his tendency to trip over his own feet.

"Oops-a-daisy, up now, that's right, and forwards. Yes, indeed. What I had considered to be a disadvantage was in fact a very neat little avoidance tactic."

"Five?"

"Yes?"

"I think I'm gonna puke."

Five holds him as he tilts sideways and heaves. "You've earned it, brother," he says, patting his back soothingly. "You've earned it."


End file.
